We left the boys.
For the first time in 20 years, we left the boys at home for 10 days.
Sandra: In retrospect, it was easier for us then it was for Luke (we were, after all, in Mexico with 18 other “good old” friends).
I’m not a hover mother. I’m not a worrier.
And we had left Luke with a trusted friend, Tara.
Tara is an empath and a natural caregiver / mother. She’s known Luke since he was super small, being our Mile High Resort summer friends. She was the perfect choice to stay at our home for 5 of the 10 nights. The other 5 nights were Joel’s chance at responsibility.
I asked Tara to document some of their experiences together, and here is her summary:
Tara: “I had the privilege to spend a few days with our friends’ two sons while they headed off to enjoy the surf, sand, and sun. Below I share some reflections I had during the six days I spent with the Verhoeff young gents…
Sunday: First Impressions: Many people wonder what goes on when parents go away, and the truth is… it’s business as usual! We got ready for the week, chilled out on the couch, watched some good shows, and ate snacks, lots of snacks. Luke and I had a great conversation about the plan for the week, what to expect, and especially protecting his peace / space.
Monday: It was really cold outside! -26! Luke had a busy morning at the gym and adventures with his support staff. Joel went off to class. I hopped on and off calls for work… much like his mom as she works from home too! Nothing too out of the ordinary, except, of course, that I brought a different energy and dimension to their home space. Later in the day, Luke and I chatted with the “choice” board (writing multiple choice answers on an erasable white board so Luke could point to the correct answer.) Should we go out later? Yes / No?… No (it was cold, lol). How are you feeling now that Mom and Dad are safe in Mexico? Happy / Worried? Happy. What should we plan for dinner? Agreed on homemade potato wedges, chicken, veggies, and a side salad. Would you like to help make dinner? Yes / No? No. Dinner was followed by tea, and a show…
Tuesday: Luke’s busiest day! Brittney of Vocal Vista visited for some communication time; Luke went out with mentor Rodney for exercise and lunch, and he spent a few hours with mentor Chris for a coffee and a walk. We connected with a few questions via communication board, and Luke chose to chill out for the night!
Wednesday: Window Half Open. The last couple days have made me reflect and think about a window that’s half open, what it must feel like experiencing a small part of daily routines, typical family life dynamics, and a young adult’s ups/downs. I’m thankful Luke has been receptive during our time together and I’ve often seen his sense of humour shine through. We are settled now into a system that regulates Luke—an evening of cooking shows, and time to just chill.
Thursday Pause and Reset: If you’ve ever done something new for the first time you may recall feeling uneasy or worried about what might happen, or how to respond when asked a particular question. Now think about what it would be like if you struggled to express all those feels. Today was a day exactly like that. I am a gal with big energy and love to always be busy and on the go, but one important lesson I’ve learned this week is to remember to press pause. Silence is sometimes good for the soul. Luke was a bit out of sorts today so we took a few minutes to Facetime with his mom and dad. And just like that, all was well again. A simple pause on the day, a quick reconnect and reassurance with the familiar. It was all he needed to turn the day around. We ended our day with a nice warm cup of tea and fresh gluten-free baked chocolate chip cookies. Some days we just need to pause, reconnect, and reset. And eat cookies.
Friday Milestones: As the week came to a close there was a rare sighting from brother Joel who woke up on his own to prepare for his grad photos (not long ago Luke had prepared for the same thing). Graduation is such a milestone which opens doors and changes lives forever! I am excited to see the many grand adventures to be had by both these guys!
Thank you Luke/Joel for sharing this week with me and a special thanks to Luke for your kindness as I experienced a bit more of how you see, hear, and feel the things around you each day. There is SO much for us all to learn and understand. Please continue to be patient with us; we will continue to support you, and be your ally!
A quote I have often used throughout my career, “Change is inevitable, growth is optional.”
Sandra: We returned 10 days later and reunited with our boys. They were both good. They both seemed good. Luke was happy to see us… and I could feel his relief and joy.
When I asked Luke a few days later for his input on this blog post, he spelled: “I’M NOT READY.” He confessed that it was very difficult for him while we were away. He spelled: “I KNOW IT SOUNDS IMMATURE, BUT I STILL NEED MY MOM AND DAD.”
One week later I asked for his input on this blog. His reply: “I’M STILL RECOVERING.”
Two weeks later: “STILL RAW, NOT READY. START WRITING IT, MOM, AND MAYBE I’LL ADD SOMETHING.”
And here we are. It was harder than we all imagined for Luke. He, himself, was surprised by how it affected him. It’s been six weeks since we returned, and he confessed: “I’M STILL WEAK AFTER MEXICO. I'M SO SHOCKED BY MY REACTION.”
My heart ached for him.
We had a long, safe talk about regulation / counselling / mental health / fight-or-flight-or-freeze (Luke is in “freeze” mode). We talked about strategies to protect his mental health, and help him “thaw”: meditation, breathing, talk-therapy. We talked about the importance of keeping our bodies regulated.
This seems to be the piece of the puzzle that is often misunderstood!
REGULATION.
Our autistic people need a REGULATION Partner or support person. I'm his person. Dave is his person. Joel is his person. He needs his people with him to help him calm his energies and anxieties. Our familiarity, calmness, quietude and predictability support him and his body.
And, it's the same with spelling!!!! He needs a regulation partner that he has a strong connection with (no bad energies or auras allowed!!). And he may need a CRP for the rest of his life to hold the board.
I need the world to stop asking why he needs a person to hold the board, and stop asking if he'll spell independently.
It doesn't matter either way.
Independent spelling is only possible for those that can learn the enormous task of regulating and controlling their own bodies. And some bodies are way too dysregulated. You've seen them. The bodies that constantly disobey the brilliant minds and deceive us all into thinking the person is cognitively impaired. So far from true.
Imagine you can't control your body, nor talk. Seriously, for one day. Don't talk and when you ask your body to go to the fridge, get it to do something completely different, like walk to the bathroom. Think about this. Wouldn't it be a miracle for you if the right person was standing next to you to help you control your body better, calm your mind, to be your peaceful believer that gives you the power to get your words out? How cool would that be? And what happens if when they walk away or travel far from you: you could no longer talk or regulate your body. Wouldn't that suck? So what's wrong with our guys needing a “support” person? It works for them. Just like hearing impaired people need a sign language interpreter. Luke needs his communication regulation partner.
This. Is. The. Continuous. Argument. And it's bullshit.
Luke needs his family. Luke needs Madison. Luke needs Brittney.
He may never be completely independent (although that is his goal and we will do everything in our power to help him achieve this). But what is wrong with a more interdependent family unit? Why are we all forcing each other to live separate and lonely and isolating lives when we can live in a respectful symbiotic harmony in one residence, or a residence with a laneway house or suite. Interdependence needs to be the norm, especially with house prices and the minimal housing supports and funding for people with diversabilities!
So where is Luke at now? Well, it was discovered, as you can see, that Luke’s therapy is his poetry. I think this poem—that I could only share if I included his explanation—speaks volumes to his inner state. His outer calmness belies an inner state that is dysregulated and anxious. Imagine again if you couldn’t talk; couldn’t get your body to do what you wanted, and the people that knew you best… left. Yes, we came back. Yes, we all agreed to do this. Yes, we all needed to navigate this. Yes, it was time. But no one can know beforehand how our bodies will react. Luke’s body and reaction surprised him. We are glad to be home to walk and work through this with him. He needs to figure this out. He needs to know he is loved and protected, even if we didn’t return. We’re working on it. But for now, we are enjoying being home. It’s where we belong. Together.
Sinking Sorrows
By: Luke Verhoeff
March 12, 2025
Pressure building deep from within
Eating me alive I fear
Tick tick tick
Ready to implode
I cannot explode
Drowning from the inside out
Gasping for air
I can only find in these letters
Beauty tainted by harsh reality
Long gone are my rose colored glasses
I am sinking
I am bombing
I plea to be free
Luke: This poem was a much needed release from heavy anxieties I have been carrying. I often put on a brave face but my mask has faltered. I am struggling. Poetry is the way I process and I needed this release. I share it with some trepidation in the raw vulnerability. This is part of the authentic me. Not to worry, I have the support I need.
Sandra: Special shout-out and hugs to our friend Tara (and Alyssa!) for stepping in, understanding, and caring for our guys. There are not a lot of people that would do this, and we are sooooo grateful. Thanks for really “seeing” how incredibly amazing Luke is. You are a gem.
